The Enraging Irony of ADHD

...and the part no one talks about.

God, you’re like, so unbalanced or something.

This line would always be thrown in my face from my then college boyfriend, with a cutting tone of annoyance and a sharp glare of smugness in his eyes. To be fair my emotional highs and lows were often a mirror to his emotional neglect, manipulation, and general inability to treat me decently. Thankfully that relationship came to its natural end, but looking back decades later he wasn’t completely wrong about it. In that first very real and serious relationship, I saw the cracks in my not so sturdy emotional foundation and even after I was out of that terrible situation, my struggles to regulate my emotions continued and I realized it had always been there. I had just hid it well.

Emotional dysregulation is a core component of ADHD yet it is excluded from the official diagnostic criteria and not included in most of the evaluation process for the condition; a contradiction that is slowly pushing researchers to investigate the connection. But it’s a big contributing factor to why so many go misdiagnosed or incorrectly diagnosed. It’s partly why women may be on antidepressants or anxiety medication for years and see no relief, but as soon as they’re medicated for ADHD, they are able to regulate their emotions a bit more smoothly.

So if you have ADHD or you know someone who does, here is how emotional dysregulation and more specifically ANGER, all show up in the day to day and you may never have connected the two.

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ADHD = Mood Swings

We have a lot of sensory sensitivity. We take in more stimuli from our environment and more rapidly than neurotypical individuals. So the wrong sound, texture, taste, lighting pisses you off.

We struggle with being patient. Standing in lines, listening to someone talk too slowly, walking behind someone walking too slowly or essentially anything that requires patience is likely to frustrate you.

We are either overstimulated or understimulated, both of which leave us feeling dysregulated. Very rarely can we find a middle ground, so you guessed it, we’re pissed.

ADHD= Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

The slightest sign of someone being disappointed in you, criticial of you, rejecting you or not being at ease with you has the ability to dysregulate you to the point of physical pain. An RSD episode can feel so physically painful it’s as if someone is stabbing you in the chest and your heart is actually breaking. It’s so emotionally painful and dysregulating that sometimes an RSD episode can even present as a sudden onset of a mood disorder . It’s an instant mood killer, feels devastating and can last for days. And for the record, this is why SSRI medication can be hugely helpful for those with ADHD.

ADHD= Disorganization

You’re constantly losing things and unable to follow the many systems you have. You’re always looking for the things that you need to make life work (i.e. phone, glasses, remote control keys) and you’re an impatient person to begin with, so you’re always angry with yourself. Even with all the systems and hacks you’ve learned, they can only take you so far, especially if you’re a mom and you’re responsible for other people’s lives.

ADHD= Time Mismanagement

You’re always blind to your schedule, behind on something or procrastinating. You’re fully aware of what you’re doing, know what you should be doing instead yet you cannot seem to do it. The struggle to estimate how much time something is going to take is infuriating because no matter how many times you do the same activity you continue to under or overestimate how long something will take. Not only does this anger you, it brings up deep shame. This adds to your frustration and you continue to be PISSED.

ADHD = Social Struggles

You want to be social and be in a good mood around friends and family but that takes a lot of focus and your battery is already drained from getting through the day. You impulsively blurt out things, speak out of turn or say nothing at all, and ruminate on what you should say next so you don’t pay attention to anything anyone else has said. You feel so ashamed so now you’re in an even worse mood. Time to go home…and now you’re either angry, sad, relieved….or all of the above.

ADHD = Dopamine Seeker 24/7

You’re either feigning for sugar, screens, coffee, garden gummies, filling your Amazon cart…just something…so you’re constantly going up and down and up and down. This makes the mood swings feel more intense but without the dopamine you don't know how to motivate yourself.

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And here is the kicker that no one seems to talk about it…

It isn’t simply that people with ADHD aren’t able to focus as the name of the condition suggests. We struggle to regulate our emotions because one of the seven executive functions is literally emotional regulation. And to be clear emotional regulation literally means the ability to use the other executive functions to manage your emotional state. This involves using words, images, and self-awareness to process and change how you feel.

And ADHD in and of itself is executive dysfunction.

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So if you have ADHD or know and care about someone who does, let’s all focus less on the inability to pay attention and dive deep into supporting emotional regulation. Because in my experience it’s one of the really hard parts that no one seems to fully understand but can also be the hardest and most shameful.

How is this for you? Let me know if this was helpful and if you’d like more content around this topic specifically.

Cheering you on!

XO

Melissa