What's Saving Me

I keep writing and deleting, writing and rewriting. Thankfully I’ve arrived at the point of utter irritation with myself that it’s just time to hit post; get it over with and move on. I struggle in times like these to show up on the platforms that I’ve created to be a resource when I’m not even sure I’m actually doing any good. Will I just add to the noise? Am I the noise? Is it worth it? Will the few inevitable unsubs that will come in after this goes out put me in a bad mood? I don’t know. But I lean back on what I’ve always done, which is to listen to my clients- to actually hear what they’re saying. To take it in, generalize their pain points and speak to those. Because they are me, they are you, they’re all of us.

And if the last ten days haven’t been hard for you, if they’ve been a celebration then move along. Truly.

What’s Saving Me:

(*acknowleding from the start these reek with the privelege I wrestle with all the time)

1. Focus & Purpose

For me this is wrapped into two things. In its most concrete form it’s my work. I have many purposes in my life and I like to think I have yet to discover a lot of them. But for the immediate future, it’s the scores of women who trust me with the most personal and private parts of their lives. And I can’t and won’t stumble when it comes to them. So while so many things are out of my control and genuinely not okay, zeroing in with laser focus on where I actually have influence gives me hope and reminds me I have agency.

The other area is my children. They aren’t my entire life’s purpose, but nothing snaps you out of existential doom and gloom like needing to make your kids’ lunch, listening to them beaming about their share day at school, needing to apply a band aid to a bloody knee or stroking their hair in bed because they can’t fall asleep on their own. It isn’t about me. I’m having a hard time, yes, but a big part of that is because I’m worried about what all of *this* means for them. But they’re okay right now. They need me right now. And they need me to be okay in the here and now because this is their childhood. They don’t get it back and neither do I. And because my family is privileged as hell, I can say this.

For you, if your life looks different than mine I’d encourage you to reflect on where you typically use your gifts and talents and channel your focus and purpose there. I think doing that is what ultimately leads us back to feeling hope.

2. Tuning Out

Tuning out of social media. I don’t need to absorb anyone’s opinions, even when they echo my own. I generally do not consume the news but in October I collapsed that personal boundary and it took a toll on me, so I’m working to put that back into place. I’m cutting back on others’ access to me and my family and I’m relinquishing the generosity and overfunctioning I’ve always willingly engaged in even though it was to my detriment. No more. Simply toning down my willingness to engage in all of this is helping. These aren’t my lessons to learn and I’m tired of fighting. Maybe that will change in the next few months but for now, it’s working.

3. Remembering That Any Neurodivergence Is Making This All Harder

Those of us with ADHD and/or ASD (and I’d also argue any neurodivergent folks) have a unique and very attuned sense of justice and we can get hell bent on making sure everyone around us knows how wrong a situation or circumstance is and become so obsessive about it we repel others. More neurotypical individuals are able to sit back and let the situation unfold and let things play out, but people like myself tend to not be capable of this without a lot of self work. It feels like a reflex or an involuntary bodily system where we cannot NOT say something because we feel like it’s not living within integrity with ourselves if we don’t. This can do real damage to our relationships and careers if we’re not careful so I’m trying very hard to keep this in mind and frankly shut my fucking mouth. For most of my life I’ve been right about unjust situations or bad people who everyone else initially liked but me but no one listened to me and then had to learn their lesson the hard way while I was screaming warnings and waving my arms around like a mad woman. So times like this make me feel like that all over again. But I’m tired and I don’t have the energy for it, so I’m trying to keep this unique qualifier in mind and again, STFU and let it be.

If you’re ND in any way, please do the same for yourself.

4. Keep On Doing What I Was Doing Before

The morning after the election we didn’t have much time in between telling our kids the results and walking out the bus stop. I had to have my husband break the news because I had finally put a plug in the dam of my tears and I knew if I had to tell them the dam would break again and I didn’t have the time to patch myself up again before a day full of clients. But as we were gathering backpacks and tying shoes, one of my children slid close to me and asked, but mom…what do we do now? in a tone so subtle and with an expression on their face it was perceptible only to me exactly what they were really asking.

I strung my thoughts together as quickly as I could, knowing this was a moment that mattered, and said well…this morning you’re going to go to school and do the same thing you did yesterday. You have fun, follow the rules, work hard, take care of yourself and take care of others. You don’t have to take any crap from anyone but you just keep doing everything you’re already doing and enjoy your life, okay? They smiled and seemed relieved, so I think it was an acceptable enough answer for a little kid trying to make sense of a confusing moment in history. And the more I’ve thought about it in the days that have passed I think it applies to all of us too.

I’m continuing to keep on keeping on with all the things I’ve always done. Because what has made me proud of myself, my life and my contributions. Other people being shitty or not caring about others isn’t going to turn me into someone who does the same. I’m a little more anxious, sure. There are some things I’m nervous about and I’m thinking differently about certain people and systems, but overall, I’m going to keep living and enjoying the life I have. Because that’s what makes me feel like my sometimes silly little life is meaningful and worth living, even if 70+ million people may feel like it isn’t. 

What about you…what’s saving you?

Cheering us all on

XO

Melissa

Just because…

I love this book so much..xoxo