Over the last several months I’ve been giving more air time to an underlying, low hum of anxiety that’s been milling about in the recesses of my brain. One I don’t really talk about because truthfully there’s so much else to feel angst about that this gets pushed down to the bottom layers of the other more concentrated worries and misgivings.
But the fear, or concern rather, is that when my three kids are grown I’ll look back on this time that I’m living right now and regret letting my career take a back seat to my family. That I’ll always wonder what I could have accomplished if I had the ability to go all in on my career the way most fathers can. There are numerous reasons why I do not have the ability to go full force and to be clear the biggest barrier is myself. I choose not to.
Well, that is part of the truth.
Because the thing is, I am the “on call” or default parent. The one who gets the call from the school nurse. The one who rearranges my day when someone is sick or has an appointment. Who manages the sports practices, dentist appointments, activity sign-ups, paying fees, anticipating the clothing size they’ll need for the change of seasons, coordinating the holidays and the endless but invisible details of running a family’s life. But more importantly, I’m the one who manages the emotional thermostat of our family, weaves the moods of everyone together and plays offense in the hopes of keeping the morale afloat and the vibes high. And even with a partner who is fully in the know on all of the above and tries their best to divide the load and keep up with me, I’ve learned that only one of us can spearhead this whole operation.
Essentialism & Motherhood- The Good and Bad
How necessary I am to my family’s functioning isn’t something I fully understood at first and didn’t really start to get until after my twins were born. And even then it took me a while to surrender to this reality. For years, if a kid was having a meltdown it was me who could handle it. I’m the one who can read between the lines of our kids’ behaviors and connect the dots to be able to help steer them accordingly. Because of how essential I am, not to mention how much I want to be there for my kids, I’ve been able to tailor my career to the needs of my family, something I’m proud of and grateful for.