Weird Things Not Really Drinking Has Taught Me

Mar 14, 2024

I want to start by saying I’ve never had a problem with alcohol and my current state of not “really” drinking has nothing to do with needing to stop using alcohol because of issues it was creating in my life. I am not sober by a classic definition and this journey hasn’t been difficult for me in the way it has been for others because alcohol has always brought me more pain than pleasure. My not drinking at this point in my life is a choice I make similar to one you would make if you find out you’re highly sensitive to a type of food that you sort of enjoy eating but could also take it or leave it. You know if you eat it you’re likely going to physically feel horrible, but sometimes it’s easier to just eat it. Also, sometimes you actually enjoy a bite or two and it’s worth the gamble. Other than that, alcohol doesn’t have a real role in my life.

How I Got Here:

If there’s one thing that becomes crystal clear in your 40’s it’s seeing patterns in your behavior when you look back on your life. My people pleasing tendencies showed up big time when it came to how I used alcohol. I realized from the time I started drinking I only ever drank with other people when they wanted to, never by myself and never initiated by me. I drank for other people because I wanted to be accepted, I thought it was socially expected and age appropriate and simply wanted to be approved of. But unlike everyone else, I never could seem to get to the point of relaxation or mentally checking out. Before I finish one drink my body starts what I call its “revolt”. Usually with a headache that starts simmering, then sinuses that start to feel full, and my stomach starts cramping, I get sleepy…and it just gets worse from there. I’ll spare you any further details but alcohol and my GI system have been enemies from day one.

I always tolerated these side effects, that is until I had my first baby. I barely had any free time away from her, I was chronically sleep deprived and the last thing I wanted to do was have a glass of wine knowing I was going to feel like garbage. Then I had a couple more babies, and I drank (like one glass of wine) for the first time at a wedding four months after their birth. It was not pretty and I just decided that maybe I should be done pretending that me and alcohol were a good fit.

It took me a few more years and a LOT of personal development work to start working up the confidence to begin saying ”I’m just not drinking right now” or “I’m not drinking anymore”. This was honestly a lot harder than I thought it would be. Everyone loves alcohol. The mommy alcohol culture is insidious. But eventually it got easier. I tried out different excuses and eventually got more comfortable being honest and standing my ground.

Here’s What I’ve Noticed:

People have really complicated, unique relationships with alcohol. I didn’t think much about those relationships when no one was paying attention to me not drinking, but that changed when it became the focus of the conversation. When someone can’t make sense of why I’m not drinking and they’re not satisfied with an answer of “I don’t want to”, the lens sharpens on what’s under the hood in their relationship with alcohol.
Other people’s perception of their ability to have fun seems to be inextricably tied to my willingness to drink. I believe this is because so many of us shame and judge ourselves for letting loose or having fun. This shame is triggered when someone who isn’t drinking comes along and we judge ourselves for loosening the reins. We compare ourselves to this person who appears to have made a “better choice” by not drinking and we feel like we have to dissect or understand their choice. And if we can’t, we might try to loop them into our shame.
Others feel like my choice to not drink is a judgement or attack on their choice to drink.
Some people, even the people closest to you in your life, will have Finding Dory syndrome and no matter how many times you decline alcohol they will offer it to you and act absolutely SHOCKED when you say no. SHOCKED. Eventually it becomes amusing.
You have to be very comfortable with not being understood and be solid with feeling like an outsider.
If I have a CBD Seltzer people seem to raise an eyebrow at that and ask a lot of rather judgemental questions, while slamming 6 drinks of their own. I find the disconnect there to be…interesting.
I sometimes miss the ceremonial part of making and holding a fun drink when I’m out socially. The good news is that it’s incredibly easy to create this without alcohol.
Social anxiety has crept back up for me, not because I don’t really drink but because I get anxious anticipating feeling left out or other than.
Alcohol is actually not that fun and not that big of a deal- especially the older you get.
Not drinking brings up a lot of my people pleasing tendencies that I have otherwise recovered quite well. Despite not caring if I never drink again, I still want people to like and include me. This doesn’t seem to go away!
One of my core personal beliefs that I live by is take absolutely nothing personally until I have evidence that tells me otherwise and this has served me very well when it comes to not drinking. People can be so weird about it and say some seriously rude shit. Water.off.my.back.