The Complexities of Motherhood As an Oldest Daughter
(*Disclaimer- Most of us have/had good parents who did the best they could with what they had, which was very little. Many had suboptimal parenting themselves and often used their first daughters as the third adult in the home because they needed the parenting they never got and had no idea what they were doing. It doesn’t make it okay but it can help when we’re trying to have empathy and hold space for the people we love while trying to heal ourselves and focus on parenting our own children differently- xo)
For a lot of high achieving women, particularly of the Xennial/Millennial generation the general attitude has been that if we worked hard enough, had enough determination, eventually employed a good therapist, committed to self help books and kept ferociously healthy boundaries, we could heal well enough from most of our neurotic and often traumatic upbringings.
But then we became moms.
And even when you think you’ve dealt with your stuff and you would consider yourself to be “painfully self aware”, having a child leaves you absolutely unzipped in the best and most painful of ways. This eventually leads to an unraveling and reckoning of sorts that despite all of your attempts to plan for and control, you never saw coming. And with each child you add to your family, this process repeats and grows exponentially in intensity.
I often joke with clients that becoming a mother is like roto-rooter; it slowly but surely moves all your old junk to the surface whether you like it or not and eventually, you’re going to be forced to deal with it. Or things are going to get very messy.
Many of the women I work with end up in front of me because they “aren’t happy with being a mom” or “motherhood isn’t at all what I expected.” What’s worse, is the deep shame for feeling like this because overall, they truly have what they want and love their family and their role in it the majority of the time. After pulling the thread they come to the realization that what’s really eating at them is it feels impossible to shake the paralzying sense of inadequacy in motherhood and feeling like they’re always falling short as a mom.
And that’s the kicker. The shame. The judgement of self.
It is a large part of what is making you absolutely miserable. It isn’t the tantrums, lack of sleep, or sibling fights; those are what you knew you were signing up for. What you didn’t realize you were getting is a reprisal of your role in your old family system played on repeat and that the dynamics of being the oldest daughter (or being a parentified child regardless of birth order) has cast a dark cloud over your experience of motherhood.
Here’s what I mean…
The Parentified Child/Oldest Daughter Experience Feels Like:
Always falling short.
You know you can never, ever, ever lose control.
When you do lose control, even for a moment, the judgement of that feels unbearable.
Believing your existence is intrinsically tied to taking care of and protecting your family.
Having high expecations to set an example, be a role model and take on the responsiblities.
The pressure to be both exemplary and nurturing.
Feeling worthy only when you are achieving something that can be measured outside of you.
Fear of doing anything imperfectly or making a mistake.
Paralyzing shame when you make a mistake or go off script.
Knowing it is your responsibility to stay calm and manage the emotional ups and downs of everyone else.
Carrying the weight of the world that feels far beyond your capacity, but you also know you’re the best person to handle it.
Owing an explanation when you fall short on any expectations and responsibilities.
Ironically, many of the above can also describe what motherhood feels like when you don’t have enough support. Being a mom can be extra hard when you’ve been parentified because you’ve already been mothering for decades before you actually became someone’s mother. We were already exhausted.
And it’s not just the exhaustion of caretaking and responsibility that makes the intersection of these two roles hard. Because you’ve likely missed out on a lot of appropriate emotional developement you never really learned how to manage your feelings before figuring out how to manage all the feelings that come with motherhood and kids’ feelings too.
Here are some other common ways that being a parentified oldest daughter makes motherhood even more challenging:
Lack of Childhood: You may have missed out on a proper childhood due to assuming parental responsibilities (emotional or instrumental). This can lead to difficulties in understanding and providing a nurturing and carefree environment for your own kids if you didn’t experience it yourself.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Parentification often involves relying heavily on yourself and usually means you struggle to trust others to fulfill responsibilities. This can lead to challenges in delegating tasks and fairly dividing the domestic/mental load with your partner.
Boundary Issues: Blurred boundaries between parent and child roles may persist into the next generation-let’s not do this to our kids! You might be so afraid of emotionally unloading on your kids the way your parents did that you don’t share emotionally with your kids at all and become too rigid. Or vice versa.
High Expectations: You likely have unhealthy expectations of yourself that aren’t attainable as a mom. Perfectionism seeps into parenting too and your kids behavior is not a reflection of the quality of your parenting.
Difficulty Expressing Needs: Since you have been in a caregiving and responsible role for most of your life you likely have a really hard time expressing your needs and asking for support and help. This can hinder effective communication within your family and partnership and may result in unmet needs and increased stress.
Limited Self-Exploration: Since so much of your life has been about serving your family you likely have missed out on opportunities for self-exploration and personal development during your formative years. This lack of self-discovery can affect your ability to model healthy self-esteem and a self-concept for your children. This makes it hard to figure out your hobbies, what you like to do for yourself and what makes you feel like you.
Now What?
If the question you’re asking yourself is “okay well how do I fix this?” I encourage you instead to reflect on these insights and new connections. By understanding not only why motherhood has been challenging but how it has been hard, you can begin to tangibly address each circumstance one at a time.
Let’s say you really resonated with #1, Lack of Childhood. When you read that it dawned on you that not only did you not get to experience much carefree fun as a kid, it helped you see why you’re so triggered with anger and impatience when your kids get lost in an activity that you never would have been indulged in as a kid. This frees you from the shame of feeling this way (you’re not a bad mom!) and allows you some space to explore how you can indulge in carefree time for yourself now.
Ideally you can work through these realizations with the guidance of a therapist/coach in a safe place and they can help you develop healthier parenting practices and family dynamics.
Here’s to not repeating the past, relieving ourselves of the pressure to get it all right and enjoying this all a little bit more.
xo
Melissa
For the laughs…
