How Can You Whistle At A Time Like This?

I have been a professional listener, analyzer, challenger of BS, guide and holder of stories for more than a decade and half. I’ve been doing that in my personal life for far, far longer. I won’t discuss the differences between how men and women exist in this world because if you’re reading this you’ve co-existed amongst the opposite sex long enough to be painfully aware. When Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus first came out when I was around 11, I remember seeing it on my mom’s nightstand and hearing Oprah and Sally Jesse talking about it on their afternoon talk shows. What an earth shaking idea- that we should talk about how the two sexes operate differently and are motivated in conflicting ways. But if we understand the common avoidance pattern males have to stress and how that influences the female behavior pattern, we might have a better relationship and co-existence with each other. The book left a lot unsaid and was problematic in many ways, but it opened a door. It ended up being the highest selling non-fiction book of the 90’s.

I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I think about how men and women relate to each other all the time. It’s one of my many Roman Empires. How our childhood attachment patterns directly influences how we respond to our partner asking us what sounds good for dinner when we’re internally spiraling about something our boss said yesterday. And the way a husband who had no one really attune to his feelings when he was a carefree little boy seems to not notice all of the things his wife notices that make her upset, despite him being a genuinely good guy who cares about his family. There is always a disconnect between the sexes that appears baffling if you don’t understand the historical context.

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When you have been partnered with someone for a long time, you know the ins and outs of how they think. You can tell how they’re feeling by the sound of how they close a cabinet door or the heaviness of their sighs. And if you’re a people pleaser, especially of the eldest daughter variety, you immediately read the emotions and temperature of a room like the creases in your hand.

Even with my education on human development and pathology, my own deep dives on trauma and stress over the years, and tons of anecdotal evidence from being a therapist, I continue to be awestruck at mens’ ability to compartmentalize (and avoid) all the stress that women have no choice but to face.

And it has never been clearer to me than when they whistle. Yes whistle.

Let me explain…