An Emotional Regulation Trick for the Mad Women

I’ve learned over the years that most of us have no idea how angry we actually are. We use words like “frustrated” or “irritated” but those are just more palatable descriptions of your anger. We tend to think that anger is the only emotion we’re experiencing and there is nothing else to it, but anger is so much more than the fire and rage that you feel with it.

I liken that anger to an alert or signal that is letting you know you are deeply dysregulated. Do you know how sometimes when you’re really angry all you can do is cry? We have hundreds of valid reasons to be angry, but just being aware of those reasons logically doesn’t help to move the needle forward when we need to actually regulate our emotional state and process those emotions out.

The Hesitant Fiancee

This is an emotional regulation technique that I like to call Anything But Anger and it’s a quickhand way to help you quickly get a peek underneath the hood into your feelings. This is truly the best and most efficient way to bring you from dysregulated back to regulated.

Typically our anger is covering up another emotional state that is too painful or acute to express. The emotional states that I see anger covering up most often are:

• loss of control

• sadness

• anxiety

• unfulfillment

• threat to safety/autonomy

Knowing that anger is a bodyguard for other emotions is the first part of this technique. Meaning, when you notice you’re getting irritated, angry, or the physical signs that emotions are boiling over, that you’re actually at the starting line of needing to figure out what you’re feeling.

So when you feel angry, go to literally any other emotion than anger. For me it’s usually fear or sadness. Fear that I’m losing control/realizing I don’t have control or sadness about whatever the circumstance may be. When we allow ourselves to bypass the anger, knowing it is just a diversion, we can access the true emotional experience that’s happening inside of us. For me, this centers me quickly and honestly the tears usually flow before I realize what’s happening. And this is how you process your emotions.

The beauty of this technique is that your anger typically melts away and releases from your body. You can do this just about anywhere and the better you get at practicing this the more in control you’ll feel.

So the next time you feel angry remember the phrase “anything but anger”. This allows you to regulate your emotions because you are able to ask yourself what am I actually feeling right now? Because if anger is just a bodyguard for other emotions, what am I avoiding?

Accessing what you’re avoiding or the emotional state you’re sitting in allows you to connect to your feelings and process through them. And despite what social media might lead you to believe, that’s what it means to be an emotionally regulated person.

Have you ever tried anything similar to this?

Give this a try and let me know how it goes!

Melissa